futurefantastic:

battybatty:

Date a guy who opens your jars and wine bottles for you

“please. please stop opening all my jars and wine bottles. I’m not ready for them yet. you’re just letting it all go bad. my whole house smells like wine and pickles and I can’t live like this”

(via best-text-posts)

tomlintum:

whenever my mom criticizes me i yell “it’s probably genetic” and run out of the room as fast as i can

(Source: tomlintum, via best-text-posts)

lindsaylohoean:

when u try ur best but u dont succeed 

(via best-text-posts)

• my 18 year old brother while standing in the ocean: there's so much water

nepeter:

oh my god? why not “oh our god”, you selfish prick? unfollowed and blocked

(Source: shalrath, via best-text-posts)

• Friend: what time do you usually go to bed?
• Me: 10:30ish sometimes 4

burritwo:

starbuckers:

what do you call a giraffe driving a car?

a danger to society

(via best-text-posts)

best-text-posts:

not-him-again:

mpregbert:

gloomysandwichgirl:

There’s no food in my house

*dying whale noise*

whale: there is no krill in the ocean

*teenage girl noise*

Krill: There’s no girl in my food
*house noise*

House: There’s no ocean in my girl

*krill noise*

(via best-text-posts)

best-text-posts:

not-him-again:

mpregbert:

gloomysandwichgirl:

There’s no food in my house

*dying whale noise*

whale: there is no krill in the ocean

*teenage girl noise*

Krill: There’s no girl in my food
*house noise*

House: There’s no ocean in my girl

*krill noise*

(via best-text-posts)

twitturds:

walk into the club like wait nevermind can we go home

(Source: instantlys, via best-text-posts)